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What happened didn’t fit any label that I recognised: he wasn’t a stranger, there was no dark alley.
– Survivor21
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It took me 5 years to realize I was sexually assaulted – and now I can finally recover.
– Survivor1
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It can take the better part of a lifetime for survivors to make sense of their personal experiences.
– Grace Tame, Survivor and Australian of the Year 202123
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I felt like my experience was invalid and this made it difficult for me to heal.
– Survivor17
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I think I was in shock and my brain wanted to make what happened seem like something different.
– Survivor18
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One of the worst things about my assault was the ambiguity of the whole situation.
– Survivor19
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What you label something shapes how you synthesize it, how you digest it, and later how you feel.
– Survivor20
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Not acknowledging it was a a coping mechanism but it meant I didn’t process it or give myself permission to accept something awful had happened.
– Survivor24
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It took me 12 years to realize it was rape.
– Survivor25
Make sense of what happened
If you’ve had an uncomfortable sexual experience or have been sexually assaulted you might be grappling with making sense of what happened. Confusion, self-blame10 and denial are common4,5,6,7 in particular when the other party is someone you know8 which is usually the case when it comes to sexual assault9. Majority of women are not able to define their experience.2 In fact, a common question sexual assault hotline callers have is “Was I sexually assaulted?”.3 Self-blame is associated with poor adjustment11,12 while labeling what happened has been associated with an increased likelihood of seeking support services13 and better adjustment11,12. Even if you are not sure what to make of what happened, don’t let it discourage you from exploring your options, and seeking support. These resources can help.
Define Your Experience
Had an uncomfortable sexual experience but not quite sure what to make of it? Respond to a few questions to help you on your journey of defining your experience.
Learn the Language
You might be navigating a completely new vocabulary. Understanding common terms and definitions, as well as putting words to what happened can be a helpful first step in defining what happened.
Understand Your Responses
Survivors often struggle to understand their responses15 and feel that they didn’t act like a victim should7. In reality, what may seem counter-intuitive is often textbook16. Understanding your responses can be very empowering.
Dispel Myths
Myths around sexual assault are harmful14. Knowing what they are and how they have come about can help to dispel them, and reduce misplaced feelings of self-blame.
Get Answers to Common Questions
It’s normal to have a lot of questions – having evidence-based information is key to arriving at real conclusions.
Uncover Perpetrator Tactics
Survivors often wonder why they weren’t able to do more to stop the assault15. Understanding common perpetrator tactics can help to place the blame where it belongs – on the perpetrator.
Hear From Survivors
It’s not uncommon for survivors to never have heard a story like theirs before. Reading about similar real-world stories can help you feel less isolated in your experience.
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When we behave in a way that is incongruent with the anticipated or socially recognized response to a threatening situation, we will try to make sense of it by changing our beliefs about what happened or about our culpability.
– Psychologist22
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The majority of assaults happen in the ‘grey areas’ of sexual intimacy. This situational ambiguity makes it hard for victims to clearly say: ‘I was assaulted,’ because their experiences don’t perfectly map on to the model scenario.”
– Psychology lecturer24
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A person will respond by going through a particular process that makes them feel safe or helps them to understand what happened. That understanding can take hours; it can take days, weeks. It can also take years.
– Assistant professor25
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A critical piece of healing that damage is acknowledging what you went through. It needs to be out there for your brain to put it in a time and a place.
– Bessel van der Kolk, Psychiatrist and Author of ‘The Body Keeps a Score’25
Sources:
1. Thottam, I. (4 November 2019). It took me 5 years to realize I was sexually assulted – and now I can finally recover. The Temper. https://www.thetemper.com/years-to-realize-sexually-assaulted/
2. Wilson, L. & Miller, K. (2016). Meta-Analysis of the Prevalence of Unacknowledged Rape. Journal of Trauma, Violence and Abuse. 17(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838015576391
3. Dewan, S. (18 September 2018). Why Women Can Take Years to Come Forward With Sexual Assault Allegations. Why Women Can Take Years to Come Forward With Sexual Assault Allegations. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/18/us/kavanaugh-christine-blasey-ford.html?campaignId=7JFJX
4. Gentile Long, J. (2005). Explaining, Counterintuitive Victim Behavior in Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Cases, National Centre for the Prosecution of Violence against women [Brochure]. Alexandria, VA: National Center for the Prosecution of Violence against Women, American Prosecutors Research Institute.
5. Rho, C. (6th November 2019). Why most rape victims never acknowledge what happened. Best of BBC Future, I Psychology.
6. Bielski, Z. (20 March 2016). How politeness conditioning can lead to confusion about sexual assaults. The Globe and Mail. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/how-politeness-conditioning-can-lead-to-confusion-about-sexual-assults/article29294471/
7. Peterson, Z. & Muehlenhard, C. (2011). Match-and-Motivation Model of How Women Label Their Nonconsensual Sexual Experiences. Psychology of Women Quarterly 35(4) 558-570. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0361684311410210
8. Rasmussen, W. (2016). Perceived barriers to reporting military sexual assault: an interpretative phenomenological analysis. Theses and dissertations. University of Iowa. https://ir.uiowa.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6821&context=etd
9. Catalano, S., Smith, E., Snyder, H. & Rand, M. (2009). Female Victims of Violence. Bureau of Justice Statistics Statisticians. Selected Findings. U.S. Department of Justice Office of Justice Programs. https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/fvv.pdf
10. Lerner, M. J., & Simmons, C. H. (1966). Observer’s reaction to the “innocent victim”: Compassion or rejection? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 4(2):203–210. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0023562 via Grove Chatfield, L. (2019). “Managing just world beliefs in an unjust world for victims of sexual violence”. Graduate Student Theses, Dissertations, & Professional Papers. 11446. https://scholarworks.umt.edu/etd/11446
11. Frazier, P. A. (1990). Victim attributions and post-rape trauma. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(2), 298–304. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.2.298
12. Lamb, S. (1996). The Trouble with Blame: Victims, Perpetrators, and Responsibility. Harvard University Press.
13. Stoner J.E. & Cramer R.J. (2019). Sexual Violence Victimization Among College Females: A Systematic Review of Rates, Barriers, and Facilitators of Health Service Utilization on Campus. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. 20(4):520-533. doi:10.1177/1524838017721245
14. Waterhouse, G., Reynolds, A. & Egan, V. (2016). Myths and Legends.The reality of rape offences reported to a UK police force. The European Journal of Psychology Applied to Legal Context. 8(1):1-10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ejpal.2015.04.001
15. Haskell, L. & Randall, M. (2019). The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/trauma/trauma_eng.pdf
16. Miles, R. (Retrieved 16 August 2020). Out of the shadows: Making sense of counterintuitive behaviors in sex assault survivors. The Enterprise. https://www.davisenterprise.com/forum/opinion-columns/out-of-the-shadows-making-sense-of-counterintuitive-behaviors-in-sex-assault-survivors/
17. (17 May 2016). Ferguson, S. 5 Reasons why non-traditional rape narratives are important. Everyday Feminism. https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/05/non-traditional-rape-narratives/
18. (4 Oct 2018). When Your Friend Is Your Rapist. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/04/opinion/rape-friend-sexual-assault.html
20. Blankenship, J. (18 June 2018). All the Reasons I Texted My Rapist. The Rumpus. https://therumpus.net/2018/06/all-the-reasons-i-texted-my-rapist/
21. Price, H. (6 March 2018). ‘I was raped as a student – and I’m not the only one.’ BBC News. https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-432581702
22. Hales, A. (J14 Jan 2020). ‘Fight or Flight’ Are Not the Only Ways People Respond to Sexual Assault. Vice. https://www.vice.com/en/article/v74eqj/fight-or-flight-and-harvey-weinstein-sexual-assault-trial-defense (26 January 2021).
24. Thompson, R. (26 Aug 2021). Unacknowledged rape: the sexual assault survivors who hide their trauma – even from themselves. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/aug/26/unacknowledged-the-sexual-assault-survivors-who-hide-their-trauma-even-from-themselves
25. Compton, N., B. (23 Apr 2021). It took me 12 years to realize I’d been raped. ‘Promising Young Woman’ triggered that breakthrough. I’m sharing what I’ve learned so far, hoping to help other sexual assault survivors in the process. The Lily. https://www.thelily.com/it-took-me-12-years-to-realize-id-been-raped-promising-young-woman-triggered-that-breakthrough/