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The primary motivation for sexual assaults is often considered to be the desire to assert power over another.⁴⁰ McPhail (2015) found 82 different cited motivations for rape in a literary review, and argues⁴⁰, as do Bryden and Grier (2011), that it is a complex act and could occur due to multiple motives rather than a single motivation⁴¹. The multiple motivations include, but are not limited to, power/control, sexual gratification, revenge, recreation, and attempts to achieve or perform masculinity.

A UN Multi-country study on men and violence⁴² of over 10,000 men in nine sites and six countries across Asia and the Pacific found the top three reasons given for rape, in order, were:

1. Feeling of entitlement to have sex regardless of consent was the primary reason for non-partner and intimate partners sexual violence.

2. Entertainment seeking was the second most common motivation for men who committed non-partner rape.

3. Anger or punishment was the third most quoted reason.

Alcohol was the least quoted reason out of those surveyed, and less so for intimate partner sexual violence where perpetrators have other means to gain access and create opportunities to assault than in non-partner violence.⁴²

Sexual harassment too is typically not primarily motivated by sexual desire but by a desire to derogate and punish women who violate gender norms and step out of “place” from the perpetrator’s view point which is commonly anchored in sexist attitudes.⁴³  For men in power, this relates to the desire to maintain status.⁷² Based on studies men in power who feel incompetent (defined as fear of negative evaluation – that is feeling inferior in the eyes of others) are more likely to resort to sexual harassment. In addition, regardless of gender, people higher on narcissism and lower on self-esteem were more likely to engage in sexual harassment.⁷³

Anyone can be a victim of sexual assault. It is never, ever the fault of the victim. Perpetrators make choices about whom they target and under what circumstances. They typically choose victims that are vulnerable and/or whom they can exert power over.¹² Perpetrators are skilled at “testing” or “interviewing” a woman to see if they’d be a “good” potential victim.¹⁶ For example they can look for signs of passiveness and submissiveness.⁷⁶ They test the woman’s defences and push boundaries. This can happen over months or over a few seconds.^5,16,50

Based on studies, when it comes to sexual harassment on the other hand, regardless of how warm or feminine a woman was, being dominant or otherwise masculine was associated with experiencing more harassment. Women who had masculine personality styles and were low on warmth or femininity were most at risk.⁴³

Many of us have preconceived notions about how we would react when faced with a specific situation. However, until you are in that situation you often won’t know how you’re going to react in reality.¹⁹ It’s far more common for victims of sexual assault to resist passively²⁰ (e.g. freezing³ or submitting²¹) than actively (fight, flight)²². Commonly, the victim’s brain’s executive decision making function gets overtaken by habitual^22,23 and/or survival responses²⁴. These responses are automatic and so, the victim’s reaction is not necessarily within their control.²⁵

To learn more, read about common victim responses leading up to, during and after sexual assault, as well as common perpetrator tactics. 

Survivors often question whether or not the perpetrator intended to assault them in particular when it was someone they know^..²⁶ In addition, denial is a common early coping mechanism.²⁷ Survivors can try to think of excuses for the perpetrator’s behaviour,²⁸ and blame themselves in an attempt to regain a sense of control over what happened,²⁹ to reshape it into something else that is more manageable to process to neutralise the trauma^30,31 and to avoid the stigma accompanied by sexual assault^30,32.

In reality, most sexual assaults are planned and the majority of perpetrators are repeat offenders. Sex offences are typically at the very least knowing, and often intentional¹³ and don’t involve a loss of control on the perpetrator’s part.³³ Perpetrators typically engage in a cycle of offending that consists of three stages:³⁴

1. Planning on a conscious or unconscious level prior to the offence: Most perpetrators make a series of seemingly irrelevant decisions that eventually lead to the commission of a sexual assault.³⁴ Clark and Quadara (2010) argue that whether what happened seems “planned”, “opportunistic”, or even an apparent “misunderstanding”, the steps that perpetrators take to realise that opportunity are deliberate and calculated. They use the resources present in any given situation to minimise the victim’s capacity to refuse sex and actively consent.⁵ Majority of assaults are planned in some way,¹³ and perpetrators are often skilled at pushing women’s boundaries in order to create opportunities to assault³⁵

2. Committing the offence:³⁴ Based on studies in intimate partner crime, offenders can interpret both verbal and non-verbal signs of resistance but choose to ignore them.³⁶ Assaults do not typically involve a loss of control on the perpetrator’s part.³³

3. Forming thoughts after the offence allowing the individual to commit sexual assault again in the future:³⁴  After the assault, perpetrators often try to justify the act to themselves by for example finding ways to blame the victim and/or minimise their own responsibility and/or by denying the act was planned,³⁴ as well as try to manipulate the victim to believe it was consensual to cause confusion³⁷ and if confronted make use of what is called “DARVO” (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender)³⁸ which can make the survivor doubt themselves³⁹.

Read more about perpetrator tactics at here.

Based on studies, aggressors use denial, minimisation, and rationalisation anchored in rape supportive attitudes and sexual assault incident characteristics to justify their actions, underestimate the harm done to the victim and to attribute responsibility to what they did to external factors (including the victim) instead of themselves.^45,47 They lack empathy for their victims,⁴⁵ will typically insist they’ve done nothing wrong if confronted^48,59 and instead offer counter-criticism making the victim regress into questioning their own understanding of the turn of events all over again⁵⁹. The cognitive distortions perpetrators employ to justify their actions allow them to continue offending by reducing feelings of guilt⁴⁵. And so victims, typically find no answers or closure from the perpetrator⁵⁹.

Men who commit sexual violence towards women are typically seemingly normal men⁵⁹. This can be difficult to understand and accept. Matt Atkinson explains in his book Resurrection After Rape (2010, p. 38) that rape is a social problem rather individual pathology with rape being increasingly normalised by cultural values where misogyny is tolerated and offender are normal men who respond to the social attitudes about power, sex and control in relationships⁵⁹.

Yet, there are some characteristics offenders typically do share:¹⁵

• Attitudes and beliefs: Hold a belief system where they view women as objects to be conquered, coerced and used for self-gratification. They are more likely to hold stereotypes of what the “proper” role of women and men are in society, and buy into “rape myths” which allows them to employ cognitive distortions that justify their actions (e.g. token resistance such as “no actually means yes”).¹⁵
• Anger towards woman: Perpetrators often harbour underlying feelings of hostility and anger towards women, feel easily slighted by women and hold grudges. This colours their view of women as “teasers” who either “secretly” want to be coerced into sex or, else “deserve it”. They fear being controlled by women and have a need to dominate them.¹⁵
• Feelings of inadequacy compensated for by sexual activity: Sexual activity makes up for feelings of inadequacy.⁴⁴ In addition, several surveys have found a correlation between self-reported perpetration of sexual violence and number of sexual partners or early initiation of sex. Studies have also identified a link between sexual assault perpetration and impersonal attitudes toward sex.³⁴
• Lack of empathy towards their own victim: Although perpetrator’s don’t necessarily lack empathy overall, they often lack empathy for their own victims. They engage in distorted cognitive processes to justify their actions, and to negate negative self-judgments.⁴⁵ For example, they may justify to themselves that because the victim was intoxicated, agreed to certain sexual acts and so on, they’ve done nothing wrong. These cognitive distortions are anchored in sexist beliefs and rape myths.¹⁵ Engaging in them can be a way to negotiate a disconnection between their view of themselves and their actions (e.g. if they don’t see themselves as an abuser but their actions speak otherwise, with the help of cognitive distortions they can continue to see themselves as non-abusers)⁴⁶ as well as a strategy to reduce feelings of guilt by blaming the victim rather than oneself⁴⁵.

Based on one study, almost two thirds of undetected rapists (rapists that had not been incarcerated) were repeat offenders who averaged close to six rapes or attempted rapes and an average of 14 interpersonally violent acts each.⁴⁹ 

Sexual assault can have short- and long-term physical and psychological impact on the survivor.⁵¹ Based on one study 40 percent of rape victims ranked the rape as the most upsetting event of their lives (scoring it at ten out of ten) and one third said it was the worst thing that had happened to them. Victims who ranked the rape a ten also remarked there was nothing to compare it with.⁵²

Trauma can cause biological changes on the brain. During trauma the brain’s reptilian part which is responsible for survival reflexes takes over. Normally, the brain should switch away from this reactive state but if symptoms don’t subdue in the course of a month it’s possible the switch didn’t occur and the survivor is left the reactive “high-alert”,⁵³ and experience a variety of symptoms such as such as intrusive thoughts, hyperarousal and avoidance⁷⁵. These brain alterations can be reversed.⁵³ Furthermore, Cahill’s embodied sexual practice theory determines that rape destroys the agency and personhood of the survivor, if only temporarily.⁵⁴ 

Sexual assault can also result in ‘social and internal wounds’. It can lead to a feeling of social stigma, humiliation and isolation as in being ‘uniquely different’ from others, in particular when the survivor and people they disclose to hold untrue beliefs about sexual assault (e.g. about ‘putting yourself/herself in that situation) which can lead to self and/or victim blaming. In addition, it often challenges a survivor’s world view, and survivors may feel that what they thought was true is no longer so (e.g. trustworthiness of people).⁵⁹ These feelings too take mental resources to process.

Yet, survivors often question whether the assault was serious enough to e.g. report^55,59 in particular when the perpetrator was someone they knew and/or they perpetrator resort to force or violence^9,59. In reality, perpetrators typically only use as much force as required and employ other tactics instead to subdue resistance.¹⁵ A dramatic struggle isn’t required for the experience to be traumatic.⁵⁶

Read more about common responses following sexual assault here.

Due to the symptoms that follow sexual assault,⁷⁵ survivors can report feeling like they are “going crazy”.²⁷ Survivors may experience a variety of reactions after trauma which are often normal reactions to trauma but can still be distressing to experience.⁷⁷

Understanding common symptoms can help to empower survivors. A survivor may develop acute stress disorder (ASD) within the first month following the assault and/or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from one month, or later, following the assault.⁶¹ Based on research, most survivors (94%) experience some form of distress in the first two weeks following the assault, decreasing to 65% at 35 days and 47% at 94 days after the assault.⁶³ The lifetime prevalence of PTSD for women who have been sexually assaulted has been reported to be 50%.⁶⁴ Read more about common symptoms here. 

Trauma can cause biological changes on the brain (see the first question under ‘Questions About Responses and Recovery’). Based on research, these brain alterations can be reversed.⁵³

Cahill (2001) offers a complementary view: ‘‘to know oneself as not only rapable, but as raped, is to become a different self’’ (p. 133).⁵⁴ In essence now knowing a different reality means that the survivor has changed in a sense. Sexual assault can be a life changing experience,²⁷ however, in the final phase of recovery the assault becomes a part of the woman’s lived experience, but no longer defines her or is the central focus of her life or thoughts.^57,58,59 Symptoms will typically ease off and can even disappear.⁶⁰ Yet, recovery is not solely measured by eliminating symptoms and doesn’t mean that the survivor will never again experience any symptoms. Factors such as whether the survivor increases their involvement in the present, acquires skills and attitudes to regain control of their life, forgives themselves for guilt, shame and other negative cognitions, and gain stress reduction skills for overall better functioning are important parts of healing too.⁷⁴

Based on research, sexual assault survivors have also reported some form of growth following the trauma of sexual assault. This is referred to as posttraumatic growth (PTG) – the positive psychological growth that a survivor might experience after enduring a traumatic event.⁶¹ Eventually, it’s possible for the survivor to also transform their own sense of purpose by not only not avoiding the topic but by “taking it on” for example by finding ways to help other survivors.⁵⁹

In his book Resurrection After Rape (2010, p. 39), the author Matt Atkinson states the survivor should define what recovery means to them.⁵⁹ But that there are some signs to look for:

• Being able to think and talk about the rape (or sexual assault) without feeling shame or fear, and being well-informed enough to confront and challenge ignorant comments.⁵⁹
• Symptoms (e.g. nightmares and flashbacks) subsiding,^59,60 and being able to experience moments of unpleasant feelings without resorting to unhealthy coping measures.⁵⁹
• The assault no longer occupying the central focus of your life or thoughts.⁷⁴

Symptoms will typically ease off and can even disappear.⁶⁰ Recovery is not solely measured on eliminating symptoms and doesn’t mean that the survivor will never again experience any symptoms. Factors such as whether you increase your involvement in the present, acquire skills and attitudes to regain control of your life, forgive yourself for guilt, shame and other negative cognitions, and gain stress reduction skills for overall better functioning are important parts of healing too.⁷⁴ Accepting your innocence in the assault, and not just intellectually – you should feel it too is key to recovery.⁵⁹

Based on research, sexual assault survivors have also reported some form of growth following the trauma of sexual assault. This is referred to as posttraumatic growth (PTG) – the positive psychological growth that a survivor might experience after enduring a traumatic event.⁶¹ Eventually, it’s possible for the survivor to also transform their own sense of purpose by not only not avoiding the topic but by “taking it on” for example by finding ways to help other survivors⁷⁴ which too is a sign of making progress in recovery⁵⁹.

It’s not uncommon to have mixed feelings about the perpetrator if there was some kind of connection or acquaintance with them prior to the assault. Majority of sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knew, and one in five by an intimate partner⁶⁶.Typically, perpetrators occupy a more powerful or dominant position in relation to the victim.⁶⁷ Idealisation and traumatic bonding are examples of cognitive or thought-process changes that can occur in response to traumatic stress.²⁸ It’s also common for victims to maintain a relationship (at times romantic relationship⁸¹) with the perpetrator⁷¹ because they’re still trying to make sense of what happened, get closure, regain control²⁹ and/or reshape it into something else that is more manageable to process to neutralise the trauma^19,30.

Idealisation

Idealising, attaching to, and identifying with her perpetrator is an often underrecognised phenomenon. It entails inaccurate rationalisations, idealisations, or justifications of the perpetrator’s behaviour. Many women retain positive feelings such as love and admiration toward their perpetrators as well as a longing to feel special, attended to and loved. Women can even seek out other men that remind them of the perpetrator in the hopes they’ll treat them with more kindness (and by doing so meet the emotional needs evoked by the assault). Experiencing such emotions can feel “taboo” to survivors yet acknowledging and processing these emotions can, based on research, help to disidentify with the perpetrator.²⁸

Idealisation can be accompanied by blaming one-self (instead of the perpetrator) as an attempt to make sense cognitively and gain control over a traumatic experience by assuming responsibility.³²

Traumatic bonding

Sexual assault can produce “trauma bonds” in survivors, where the survivor identifies with their aggressor, and confuses love, eroticism, hate and aggression.^68,69 Women show particularly strong tendencies toward trauma bonds when the perpetrator is a spouse or a co-habitating partner.⁷⁰ Being preoccupied with, obsessing about and/or wondering about an abuser who hurt the victim after they are long gone are signs of traumatic bonding.⁷⁰

People typically don’t bounce back from a terrifying and/or threatening experience immediately – recovery can take time.¹¹ And it does not take a dramatic struggle to traumatise another.⁵⁶ Trauma can cause the brain to get ‘stuck’ in a reactive “high-alert state”,⁵³ where the survivor experiences a variety of symptoms such as such as intrusive thoughts, hyperarousal and avoidance⁷⁵. These brain alterations can be reversed.⁵³

Every survivor is different^52,65 yet distress levels will typically ease off and can even disappear.⁶⁰ Personal factors, such as previous traumatic exposure, what happens after the assault and the strength of the survivor’s social support network can affect whether or not a person will develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following the assault.⁶⁶ There are steps survivors can take to feel better – explore some of these options here. 

Every survivor is different – it may take weeks, months or years to recover.^52,65 Based on one study where rape victims were contacted 4-6 years after the assault:

• 37% of victims felt their recovery took months
• 37% felt it took years
• 26% felt they had not yet fully recovered from the assault.⁵²

You have options when you are ready – read more about some of these here,  and typical goals and concerns here.