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My brain was talking my gut into not collapsing. Because my gut was saying, help me, help me.
– Chanel Miller, Survivor and Author of Know My Name40
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I excused his actions, believing him to be completely wrapped in the moment, and wondered what I should have done differently…
– Survivor36
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…It wasn’t until months later, after I began to experience increased anxiety, bouts of depression and a return of other symptoms of PTSD did I fully understand what had happened to me.
– Survivor36
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We say if it ever happened to us, we would act differently. But the truth is until you are in that situation yourself and you’re forced to make a decision that could alter your life in huge ways, you really don’t know how you will act.
– Survivor37
Understand your responses after the encounter or assault
If you experienced an uncomfortable sexual situation, or sexual assault you might be confused about how you responded after the encounter. That’s normal. Survivors’ responses following sexual assault are often misunderstood. Survivors themselves don’t necessarily understand their own coping mechanisms, which can seem confusing and counterintuitive.1 Understanding common responses following sexual assault can help to empower survivors’ to overcome feelings of self-blame, and take back control. If you feel confused about your responses after sexual assault, these resources can help. What may seem counterintuitive is often textbook.
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I have seen women who have actually continued relationships with people who have sexually assaulted them. … It’s a real abuse of power on the person who is on the end of that assault.
– Clinical Therapist41
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I see a lot of the most unhealthy coping: either with not talking at all, not disclosing at all, not feeling safe enough or emotionally safe enough to disclose with anyone, or abusing alcohol or drugs.
– Clinical Therapist41
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A lot of times [seeking out multiple partners], that’s about the shame and the guilt of abuse. So if I already feel like I’m unworthy and I’m not good enough and there’s no value in my body, then it doesn’t matter who I sleep with...
– Clinical Therapist41
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…And then there’s the other side of the coin where some women have felt like their worth is in sex only. … So they’re going to take the power back by … having sex with someone.
– Clinical Therapist41
Commonly Misunderstood Survivor Behaviours After Sexual Assault
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Staying in Contact with the Perpetrator
“After that, I reached out to see him a few more times. So crazy of me, right? (—) My whole life, I had always prided myself on being an empowered, strong woman. I was active, not passive. Nothing happened to me; I made things happen. Therefore, in my head, an acknowledgment of being a victim would rattle the core of what I founded myself on and shatter my whole identity. I wanted to be in charge of myself, so I ignored what happened and just continued hanging out with him like it wasn’t a big deal.” – Survivor43
It’s common for victims to maintain a relationship or stay in a relationship with the perpetrator due to a variety of reasons2,32 e.g.:
- they’re still trying to make sense of what happened, get closure, regain control3 and/or reshape it into something else that is more manageable to process to neutralise the trauma4,5
- due to social conditioning, women can feel responsible for trying to smooth things over6 or feel compelled to be nice5 even if they were victimised
- circumstantial reasons e.g. the reality that they are isolated with no financial support32; if the perpetrator for example studies or works at the same place as the survivor or has power over them in one way or another, the survivor may feel forced to maintain contact.
- fear for the safety of themselves or others feelings of shame and responsibility for their own rape32
Based on a study in the US and Canada, 23% of victims stated that they had sexual intercourse with their offenders on at least one subsequent occasion, and a substantial minority of female victims continued to date and/or engage in sexual activity with their offenders following the offence . Female victims of a completed assault were significantly more likely to continue being sexually active with their assailants than women who managed to block the assault.33
Delayed Reporting and/or "Demeanour" when Reporting
“I did my best to pretend it never happened and tried to move on with my life. (–) It took me 15 years to have the courage to make a police report about the abuse.” -Survivor44
Labelling unwanted sexual experiences is typical a gradual process4 and denial is a common initial coping strategy7. Majority of victims never report sexual assault for a variety of reasons or delay reporting.8 When the perpetrator was known to the victim they’re more likely to delay reporting.34
When survivors do report, their demeanour can get scrutinised if it doesn’t fit preconceived notions of how a victim “should” behave.9 In reality, there is no right response, and survivors don’t necessarily appear outwardly upset – they can for example seem calm or be disoriented, having difficulty with focusing,9 or even laughing due to the shock and disbelief10.
Memory Gaps, "Omitting" Details and/or Providing "Contradictory" Statements
It’s not unusual for survivors to have vivid memories about the beginning of a sexual assault when their brain’s defence circuitry was first triggered and the initial burst of stress hormones was released. Details or aspects of the experience that were of most significance may be intensely remembered.1 Yet when asked to recall details about e.g. the time of day, or who and what was where at any given time, survivors may struggle or contradict themselves.11 Survivors may also omit or minimise behaviours they don’t understand or that they used to survive, such as appeasement, or flattery, out of fear that they will not be believed or that they will be blamed for their assault1.
Lack of "Vigilance"
There’s an assumption that victims of sexual assault will take additional precautions due to the fear of being victimised again. Some do, while others do the opposite and take additional risks (including substance abuse, sexual risk taking27)12. This can be a coping strategy (avoidance through escapism) and a way to regain control13 (not let the assault control one’s actions) after an experience that left the victim feel helpless and powerless. In addition, substance abuse can be coping mechanism which increases other risky behaviours14.
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I was so scared I was going to feel sad forever, but things do get better, easier to carry and easier to heal. There is hope.
– Survivor45
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We all have the power to make change no matter how powerless we sometimes feel.
– Survivor46
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There’s more than anger, more than sadness, more than terror…there’s hope.
– Survivor47
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I finally told my family. They brought me to the Abuse & Rape Treatment Center. There, I found my voice, so long silenced… It changed my life – it saved my life.
– Survivor48
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I finally told my family. They brought me to the Abuse & Rape Treatment Center. There, I found my voice, so long silenced… It changed my life – it saved my life.
– Survivor49
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Therapy was central to my recovery, but—in some ways—confiding in some of my family members and a few close friends is what helped me most.
– Survivor50
Recovery After Sexual Assault
People typically don’t bounce back from a terrifying and threatening experience immediately15 and sexual assault can have short- and long-term physical and psychological impact16. Survivors may experience a variety of reactions after trauma. These responses are often normal reactions to trauma but can still be distressing to experience.17
Prevalence of Symptoms
A survivor may develop acute stress disorder (ASD) within the first month following the assault and/or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from one month, or later, following the assault18. Based on research, most survivors (94%) experience some form of distress in the first two weeks following the assault, decreasing to 65% at 35 days and 47% at 94 days after the assault19. The lifetime prevalence of PTSD for women who have been sexually assaulted has been reported to be 50%20. Studies say, the distress levels should typically lessen and can disappear eventually21.
Rape trauma syndrome (RTS), which relates to not only rape but all types of sexual violence24 is sometimes considered a subcategory of PTSD (which can occur following sexual assault or other traumatic events).
Personal factors, such as previous traumatic exposure, what happens after the assault and the strength of the survivor’s social support network can affect whether or not a person will develop PTSD28. It’s not a sign of weakness29.
Common Symptoms
ASD, PTSD and RSD are characterised by a cluster of symptoms which somewhat overlap. They share similar symptoms such as intrusive thoughts, hyperarousal and avoidance30. Common symptoms of PTSD include:
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Intrusive thoughts and re-experiencing
Reliving the event via nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and/or triggers.31
Hyperarousal
Feeling keyed up all the time. When a woman’s sense of safety is compromised, her body may respond by being in a state of alert even when the danger is over. This can make it difficult to sleep, focus, and be present in the moment as well as regulate emotions leading to for example irritability, anger and angry outbursts which can start to impact personal and professional relationships.31
Avoidance
“I did my best to pretend it never happened and tried to move on with my life. I immersed myself in work to forget what had happened to me.” -Survivor44
Avoiding situations, people and/or places that remind the survivor of the event. Maladaptive coping mechanisms (e.g. substance abuse31, overworking44) can be a form of avoidance. Some survivors can experience dissociative symptoms which can include an altered sense of reality, a lack of awareness of the surroundings, and an inability to remember parts of the traumatic event.31
Negative thoughts and beliefs
“I’ve retrospectively realized that, for the last five years, I’ve only romantically pursued (—) guys who have treated me awfully, and I have pushed away any of the good guys who I’d actually have a chance of real love with, as a way to punish myself for being so utterly pathetic that night. Because I didn’t deserve love anymore. I was tainted, I was stupid, I was a hypocrite, I was ugly inside.” -Survivor43
Negative changes in thoughts and beliefs are common. Many survivors experience for example self-blame after sexual assault. Women can attribute it to their own behaviour in the situation (e.g. not being careful enough) or to their character in general (e.g. being a reckless person).31
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In the immediate aftermath, I’ve seen everything from emotional numbness to extreme anger. …One moment they’re numb, the next moment they are expressing outrage or intense crying, full-on dissociation.
– Clinical Therapist41
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I’ve also had women who’ve questioned themselves and the reality of whether they contributed to the assault. I see a lot of shame and guilt associated with that.
– Clinical Therapist41
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There are so many reactions that you have when … you have been controlled, abused, assaulted, violated.
– Clinical Therapist41
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She told me that my rape was not my fault… It was true. And it had not been obvious to me. And hearing it from someone else, a professional, someone who should know, helped me believe that soon I would believe it.
– Aspen Matis, Girl in the Woods: A Memoir (Author and Survivor)38
Common Stages of Rape Trauma Syndrome
Rape trauma syndrome (RTS) identifies three stages of psychological trauma that rape survivors undergo: the acute stage, the outer adjustment stage, and the resolution stage16. Survivors may move backwards, forwards or between phases as they work through the trauma17.
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Stage I: The Acute Stage
“I think I was in shock and my brain wanted to make what happened seem like something different.”– Survivor35
The acute stage takes place immediately following the assault and in the days and/or weeks after the assault and typically lasts no longer than two weeks. The survivor may be very expressive (e.g. hysterical, upset, crying), seem very controlled (e.g. little emotion, numb) or to be in a state of shock/disbelief (e.g. disorientation, difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or doing everyday tasks, poor recall of the assault22 or even laughing due to the shock and disbelief22. Establishing a sense of safety is central to this stage.23
Stage II: The Outward Adjustment Stage
“I just tried to forget about it after that. I thought, ‘I better move on, it was my mistake. I gave him the wrong message by going over’.”” – Survivor5
During this phase, survivors may try to carry on with their lives as normal to try and assure themselves that they can cope. They may try to for example avoid thinking about the incident as a coping mechanism.24 Five common coping mechanisms include:
- Minimisation (pretending ‘everything is fine’, denial)
- Dramatisation (not being able to stop talking about the assault)
- Suppression (refusing to talk about the assault)
- Explanation (analysing what happened)
- Flight (moving to a new home or city, changing jobs/schools, altering appearance)25
Explanation can lead to finding excuses for the perpetrator’s behaviour as a way to feel more in control – if the survivor blames themselves they may conclude they can avoid the same situation in the future. For example learning about common perpetrator tactics and misconceptions around sexual assault can be helpful in reducing feelings of self-blame.26
Stage III: The Resolution Stage
“If I help others, I feel better. I heal. If I know that at least one other person won’t have to go through the same pain I went through, I feel that I am saving myself through saving them.” – Survivor42
In this phase the assault becomes a part of the woman’s lived experience, but no longer defines her or is the central focus of her life or thoughts24,25,27. Symptoms will ease off and can even disappear.18 During the resolution phase it’s possible for the survivor also to transform their own sense of purpose by not only not avoiding the topic but by “taking it on” for example by finding ways to help other survivors. A sign of moving to this phase can be starting to feel angry at what happened. Substance abuse (e.g. alcohol) which is a common coping mechanism can hinder moving to the resolution stage as its used to numb emotions to avoid dealing confronting the trauma in its entirety.27
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Sources:
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