Identify your goals and concerns

Every situation is different, but survivors tend to share some common goals such as recovery, holding the perpetrator accountable and protecting others.1,2 Understanding your goals and addressing your concerns can be a helpful first step in navigating the right course of action for you.

Recovery

I accept what happened and I’m ready to heal.– Survivor45

Reducing distress and possible post-traumatic symptoms resulting from the sexual assault to improve quality of life.

Holding the perpetrator accountable

I just wanted him to have — like I also had — that moment of reckoning, of really realising that what he did was an actual crime.– Survivor15

Making sure the perpetrator acknowledges the harm done and/or is held accountable for what they did.

Protecting others

“I committed myself to doing everything in my power (—) to help prevent anyone else from experiencing such a nightmare.” – Survivor15

Preventing the perpetrator from assaulting more victims.

Common concerns and barriers to taking action

Although each experience is unique, survivors tend to share common concerns about taking action. Explore some of them below.

“I worried that what happened wasn’t “serious enough” to be believed or taken seriously.”

– Survivor45

Not sure if what happened counts

Survivors often struggle to make sense of what happened combined with denial as a coping mechanism and reluctancy to identify as a “victim” they may not be able to label what happened as sexual assault. Survivors often also question whether or not what happened was serious enough to do something about it due to prevalent narratives about sexual assault being committed by strangers who use excessive force.1,2 Yet, sexual assault does not necessarily involve a dramatic struggle.17 Most victims knew the perpetrator,18 and didn’t fight back19,20. It can still be just as traumatic.17,21 Furthermore, while legislation categorises offences as “minor/serious”, researchers have argued this is meaningless for the survivors experience—the impact can be profound regardless47. At the same time, some survivors may feel “okay” afterwards (e.g. initially while trying to make sense of what happened) and that’s equally valid, and doesn’t take away from the possible severity of the offence48. These resources on definitions, myths and perpetrator tactics and these answers to common questions may be helpful in making sense of what happened.

 

“I’d behaved in ways that didn’t make sense. I’d smiled and made pancakes. Facing the antagonism of an interrogation hardly seemed worth it.”

– Survivor16

Don’t think I acted like a victim ‘should’

There is no “right” response to sexual assault and responses are often automatic. Lack of understanding of common responses, which are typically passive3, can make survivors feel complicit in what happened2. If alcohol was involved, as it is in around half of cases, it’s even more likely victims experience self-blame4These resources on common responses and other survivors’ stories may be helpful in understanding your responses.

 

“It was just easiest for me to pretend it didn’t happen, I didn’t want to be a victim, I was embarrassed, I was scared.”

– Survivor14

Shame and fear of stigma

Sexual assault is never the victim’s fault. Yet, it can be a deeply dehumanising experience and survivors often feel shame and blame themselves fueled by untrue myths about sexual assault. It’s important to remember that feeling shame, and self-blame are symptoms, not reality.5 Labeling the assault as one’s own ‘‘mistake’’ can also be a coping mechanism to feel more in control of what happened and in being able to avoid that “mistake” in the future2These resources, which address common myths and why they’ve come about in the first place can help to place the blame where it belongs – on the perpetrator.

 

“I blamed myself. “Why did I go over to his building? Why did I then follow him up the stairs? Why did I even enter his apartment?” Who would believe me?”

– Survivor22

Fear of not being believed, being judged, burdening others or that they won’t care

You might be worried about how people might react if you share with them what happened. It’s normal – survivors often fear other people’s reactions. The strength of the survivor’s social support system has been shown to positively correlate with healing.6,23 On the other hand, if the survivor believes that others have failed to react in a positive and supportive manner, there is also a greater risk of PTSD.24 Unsupportive reactions can be harmful6 particularly in the early stages following the assault when survivors are themselves trying to make sense of what happened and are more dependant on external validation. On the other hand, survivors can also worry about burdening or hurting their loved ones by sharing their pain and/or that other people won’t care7. Read more about survivor experiences with disclosing to loved ones here under ‘Telling Loved Ones’.

 

“What happened didn’t fit any label that I recognised: he wasn’t a stranger, there was no dark alley.”

– Survivor13

Perpetrator didn’t match expectations

When the perpetrator doesn’t match the survivor’s expectations, it can make her doubt her experience.2 Prevalent and flawed scripts tell a story of sexual assault being committed by strangers whereas in reality perpetrators are usually seemingly normal men the victims know. Trust provides access.25 In addition, perpetrators often contribute to the confusion through manipulation by for example compelling the victim believe it was consensual.26 Read more about common myths here.

 

“My new boyfriend told me I shouldn’t say anything. I would ruin his life. It wasn’t that bad. I should just forget it and move on.”

– Survivor27

Don’t want to get perpetrator in trouble

It’s not uncommon to have mixed feelings about the perpetrator when it’s someone the victim knows. Idealisation and traumatic bonding are examples of cognitive or thought-process changes that can occur in response to traumatic stress.28 It’s also common for victims to maintain a relationship – at times romantic29 – with the perpetrator,30 because they’re still trying to make sense of what happened, get closure, regain control31 and/or reshape it into something else that is more manageable to process to neutralise the trauma32,33 Lack of awareness that most assaults are intentional or at least knowing, that perpetrators use specific tactics to create opportunities to assault and silence victims, and don’t stop at one assault can also contribute to victim’s wanting to give the perpetrator the benefit of the doubt.2 Read more about perpetrator tactics here.

 

“I weighed whether or not I should report him to our Human Resources department, but I wasn’t sure how they would handle it, and I didn’t want to have this mark on me as this person who complained to HR.”

– Survivor35

Fear of retaliation

Survivors can fear retaliation8 from the perpetrator, the perpetrator’s friends or other supporters or in student/ workplace cases from their place of education/ employer. Although sexual assault is never the fault of the victim, untrue myths are associated with it, and survivors can fear e.g. losing credibility, being passed up for promotions/opportunities, or being blacklisted in their industry in particular if people don’t believe them. People who file grievances do frequently face retaliation.36 If you are retaliated against by your place of study or employment, or if no action is taken, you may be able to file a complaint with a POC governing your rights (e.g. in student cases the US the relevant IX Coordinator in your place of study37 and/or the U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights (OCR)38 or in work cases a government agency e.g. a Labor Office such as the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) depending on the country. Deadlines often apply.39 Learn more here.

 

“At the time, keeping my rape a secret seemed like such a no-brainer. What was I doing to tell the police? That I got drunk and left a party with a guy I didn’t know? What would they think of me?”

– Survivor40

Confidentiality

Survivors can be concerned about people they didn’t choose finding out about what happened2,8 in particular if they hold misplaced feelings of responsibility due to for example having been intoxicated at the time. In reality, alcohol is involved in approximately half of all sexual assaults4 – whether it was consumed by the victim, the aggressor or both, it does not excuse the perpetrator’s behaviour. Overall, losing control of their own narrative can be particularly concerning after an experience like sexual assault where lack of control and helplessness is central to the experience9. Learn more here.

 

“The legal system requires proof beyond a reasonable doubt. I’d behaved in ways that didn’t make sense.”

– Survivor16

Don’t believe anything will come out of it

Lack of certainty if what happened would be considered a crime, lack of evidence2 and lack of belief the perpetrator would be held accountable by the existing systems8. Survivors may not be aware that charges can be pressed even in the absence of physical evidence combined with awareness of low conviction rates can feel discouraging to many. Some complaints to the police can result in criminal proceedings, and if the perpetrator is found guilty in them being punished. Reporting does not, however, guarantee that the perpetrator will be prosecuted and/or convicted.42,43 Yet, even if the perpetrator is not prosecuted, the report will be on file if they commit any future offences. Learn more here. 

 

Sources:

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2. Peterson, Z. & Muehlenhard, C. (2011). Match-and-Motivation Model of How Women Label Their Nonconsensual Sexual Experiences. Psychology of Women Quarterly 35(4) 558-570. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0361684311410210

3. Hopper, J. (22 Jan 2018). Sexual Assault and Neuroscience: Alarmist Claims vs. Facts. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-assault-and-the-brain/201801/sexual-assaul-and-neuroscience-alarmist-claims-vs-facts

4. Abbey, A. & Jacques-Tiura, A. (2010). Sexual Assault Perpetrators’ Tactics: Associations With Their Personal Characteristics and Aspects of the Incident. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. Sep; 26(14), 2866-2889. doi: 10.1177/0886260510390955

5. (2020) Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma. Helpguide. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm

6. Jacques-Tiura, A., Tkatch, R, Abbey, A. and Wegner, R. Disclosure of Sexual Assault: Characteristics and Implications for Posttraumatic Stress Symptoms Among African American and Caucasian Survivors. J Trauma Dissociation. 2010 Apr; 11(2): 174–192. doi: 10.1080/15299730903502938

7. (2020). Sexual Assault Survivor’s Guide. College of Saint Benedict & Saint John’s University. https://www.csbsju.edu/chp/sexual-assault-survivors-guide

8. Kilpatrick, D., Resnick, H., Ruggiero, K.; Conoscenti, L. &  McCauley, J. (2007). Drug-facilitated, Incapacitated, and Forcible Rape: A National Study. The U.S. Department of Justice. https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/219181.pdf

9. Control Issues. (2020). Good Therapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/control-issues

10. Lovejoy, J. (4 April 2019). Why I Want to Share My Story of Sexual Abuse. Scribe. https://medium.com/scribe/why-i-want-to-share-my-story-of-sexual-harassment-1a07f1afc70d

11. Miller, C. (2019) Know My Name. Penguin Publishing Group.

12. (October 2018). “I didn’t realise what happened was rape.” BBC. https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/92f0eb4e-3cf2-4f5a-840e-3a5ba92d8bea

13. Price, H. (6 March 2018). ‘I was raped as a student – and I’m not the only one.’ BBC News. https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-432581702

14. Vanasco, J. (25 February 2020). I kept talking to my rapists. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/02/there-no-right-way-respond-sexual-assault/607033/

15. Ting, I. & Palmer, A. (29 Jan 2020). Falling through the cracks. ABC News. https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2020-01-29/sexual-assault-legal-system-horror-show-for-survivors/11903584?nw=0

16. McKeon, L. (16 Jul 2016). Fifteen years of silence. I was raped three times in less than 10 years. I knew all my attackers. This is my story. https://torontolife.com/city/crime/lauren-mckeon-fifteen-years-of-silence/

17. Brown, A. L., Testa, M., & Messman-Moore, T. L. (2009). Psychological consequences of sexual victimization resulting from force, incapacitation, or verbal coercion. Violence against women, 15(8), 898–919. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801209335491

18. Rasmussen, W. (2016). Perceived barriers to reporting military sexual assault: an interpretative phenomenological analysis. Theses and dissertations. University of Iowa. https://ir.uiowa.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=6821&context=etd 

19. Haskell, L. & Randall, M. (2019). The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims.

20. Hopper, J. (22 Jan 2018). Sexual Assault and Neuroscience: Alarmist Claims vs. Facts. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-assault-andthe-brain/201801/sexual-assaul-and-neuroscience-alarmist-claims-vs-facts

21. Koss, M. P., Dinero, T. E., Seibel, C. A., & Cox, S. L. (1988). Stranger and acquaintance rape: Are there differences in the victim’s experience? Psychology of Women Quarterly, 12, 1– 24

22. Belmonte, M. (2 April 2020). Survivor, not a Victim: My Story of Sexual Assault. In House. The Agora for Medical Residents and Fellows. https://inhousestaff.org/survivor-not-a-victim-my-story-of-sexual-assault-1711

23. Wilson, K. (2006). Sexual assault and posttraumatic stress disorder: A review of the biological, psychological and sociological factors and treatments. Mcgill J Med. 9(2): 111–118

24. Chivers-Wilson K. A. (2006). Sexual assault and posttraumatic stress disorder: a review of the biological, psychological and sociological factors and treatments. McGill journal of medicine : MJM : an international forum for the advancement of medical sciences by students, 9(2), 111–118

25. Clark, H. & Quadara, A. (2010). Insights into sexual assault perpetration. Giving voice to victim/survivors’ knowledge. https://aifs.gov.au/sites/default/files/publicationdocuments/rr18.pdf(Retrieved 4 August 2020). The U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women via Myths and Facts about Sexual Violence. Gerorgetown Law. https://www.law.georgetown.edu/your-life-career/health-fitness/sexual-assaultrelationship-violence-services/myths-and-facts-about-sexual-violence/

26. Easteal, P. & McOrmond-Plummer, P. (2008). Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners. Accessible Publishing Systems.

27. Campoamor, D. (24 Sep 2018). You’re Asking Why I Didn’t Report? Why Don’t You Ask Me Why I Regretted It When I Did? Marie Claire. https://www.marieclaire.com/politics/a23397037/why-i-didnt-report-story/

28. Fahs, B. (2011). Sexual Violence, Disidentification, and Long-Term Trauma Recovery: A Process-Oriented Case Study Analysis, Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 20:5, 556-578. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2011.586400

29. . Ellis, L ., Widmayer, A ., & Palmer, C . T . (2009) . Perpetrators of sexual assault continuing to have sex with their victims following the initial assault: Evidence for evolved reproductive strategies . International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology, 53, 454-463. https://doi.org/10.1177/0306624X08316711

30. Layman, M.J., Gidycz, C.A, & Lynn, S.J. (1996). Unacknowledged versus acknowledged rape victims: situational factors and post-traumatic stress. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 105(1), 134-131.

31. Long, J. (2005). Explaining Counterintuitive Victim Behavior in Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Cases, National Centre for the Prosecution of Violence against women.

32. Alexandria, VA: National Center for the Prosecution of Violence against Women, American Prosecutors Research Institute.

33. Bielski, Z. (20 March 2016). How politeness conditioning can lead to confusion about sexual assaults. The Globe and Mail.  https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/how-politeness-conditioningcan-lead-to-confusion-about-sexual-assults/article29294471/

34. Brown, A. (15 April 2020). My Sexual Assault Taught Me What Makes a Good Friend—and a Bad One. https://www.flare.com/identity/what-my-sexual-assault-taught-me-about-friendship/

35. Anonymous as reported to Tempera, J. (18 Aug 2020). I Felt Safe And Respected At My Job. Then, A Coworker Sexually Assaulted Me At An Office Party.’ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a33391923/sexual-assault-harassment-workplace/ 

36. Dobbin, F., & Kalev, A. (2019). The promise and peril of sexual harassment programs. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 116(25), 12255–12260. https://doi.org/10.107 

37. (Retrieved 28 Dec 2020). Know Your Rights. U.S. Department of Education. https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/title-ix-rights-201104.html 

38. (Retrieved 28 Dec 2020). Title IX and Sex Discrimination. U.S. Department of Education. https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/tix_dis.html 

39. (Retrieved 28 Dec 2020). Filing A Charge of Discrimination With the EEOC. https://www.eeoc.gov/filing-charge-discrimination

40. DiCaro, J. (12 Dec 2013). My Astoundingly Typical Rape.

41. (Retrieved 12 Feb 2020). I was mortified. I knew I had been raped. Rapehurts.org. https://www.rapehurts.org/christine-testimonial/ 

42. Chakaryan, H. (10 Jul 2018). Effective ways to approach sexual assault response. https://ct.counseling.org/2018/07/effective-ways-to-approach-sexual-assault-response/

43. Peterson, Jp. et al., . (2010). The Role and Impact of Forensic Evidence in the Criminal Justice Process,” Final report to the National Institute of Justice, grant number 2006-DN-BX-0094, September 2010, NCJ 231977.

44. (Retrieved 22 Feb 2021). EDITORIAL: Victims of Assault Deserve Better from Us.  The Enterprise. Malheur Enterprise. https://www.malheurenterprise.com/posts/4811/editorial-victims-of-sex-assault-deserve-better-from-us 

45. (9 Dec 2020). I accept what happened and I’m ready to heal. @becauseofwhathappened. Instagram.

46. Zapata, K. (2 Mar 2021). I Was Sexually Assaulted by My Boyfriend—Only I Didn’t Realize It Until Years Later. https://www.health.com/condition/sexual-assault/i-was-sexually-assaulted

47. Muldoon, S., Taylor, C. & Caroline, N. (20015). The Survivor Master Narrative in Sexual Assault. 22(5). Journal of Violence Against Women. DOI:10.1177/1077801215608701

48. King, E. (09 June 2017). Yes, Some Sexual Assault Survivors Feel ‘Okay’ Afterwards — and Here’s What That Means. Women’s Health. https://www.brit.co/yes-some-sexual-assault-survivors-feel-okay-afterwards-and-heres-what-that-means/

49. Royse, A. (18 October 2020). No, Being Raped Doens’t ‘Ruin’ Your Life – And Here’s How We Should Talk About It Instead. Video. https://www.yourtango.com/2019322758/saying-rape-ruined-her-life-shaming-victims-survivors-sexual-assault